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Badass Philosopher

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Badass Philosopher

While it is true that The Land of Thrown Fish birthed a many strange and useless phenomenon, its one truly lasting contribution to Battal is the wisdom of the Badass Philosophers.

 

(Badass Philosophers here hasten to point out that they were around long before the kingdom was called The Land of Thrown Fish, but history nonetheless associates them with the kingdom.)

 

Not unlike the Warrior Bards, the Badass Philosophers were warriors of unrivaled skill--a true anomaly in a country that consisted almost entirely of peasant fisherfolk and the occasional Warlord King. Unlike the Warrior Bards, however, the Badass Philosophers wielded no weapons, instead relying upon their minds and their fists to defeat their enemies.

 

Unlike generic, run-of-the-mill philosophers (who mostly just give up on philosophy and turn to practicing law), the Badass Philosophers embraced an existential absurdism which lent remarkable resiliency to their metaphysical outlook. It is no accident that this movement was firmly rooted in the soil of The Land of Thrown Fish; with its unstable geography, capricious gravity, and seeming inability to conform to known laws of Physiks, the cradle of Badass Philosophy was the perfect proving ground for those who would truly find meaning in existence.

 

For truly, if you can draw meaning forth from a homeland known by much of the world as "proof that the Hierarchs built this world to punish us," is there anything you can't do?

 

Characteristics

Each Badass Philosopher is unique and often difficult to recognize. There are a few unifying characteristics, however:

 

  • Esoteric Knowledge: It is not easy to understand what a Badass Philosopher is really saying. Often the Badass Philosopher will switch sides in a debate, just to "see where the argument takes us." They love to ask questions even more than they love to give answers, giving them an undeniable air of mystery. Badass Philosophers are obsessed with knowledge, both of themselves and of the world around them; this leads them to pursue perfection both physically and intellectually.
  • Extreme Personality: No one is indifferent toward a Badass Philosopher. Some people love them and are loyal unto death. Some people hate them (again, to death). The ideas espoused by the Badass Philosopher leave no room for abivalence--only acceptance or rejection.
  • Sense of Style: For some, it is long black coats; for others, it is fluid movement; for still others, it is a mode of speech. But every Badass Philosopher has a thoroughly developed sense of personal style, to which they adhere not just meticulously, but effortlessly.
  • Vision: Life in The Land of Thrown Fish has given each Badass Philosopher a single, unified goal: make the world a better place. How they pursue this vision depends largely on the Badass Philosopher.
  • Complete Mastery of Killing Others With Their Bare Hands: The Badass Philosopher is not amoral so much as "possessed of a unique and very personal code of ethics." Combined with their obsession for physical perfection, this makes them very dangerous to those foolish enough to make an enemy of a Badass Philosopher.
  • Happiness: The Badass Philosopher sees joy and even humor in virtually every situation. Though occasionally drawn into moments of angst, the Badass Philosopher is ultimately pleased to own his or her existence.

 

Famous Badass Philosophers

Squidgeon Macallister, sometimes called the Philofisher, is usually considered the most famous of the Badass Philosophers. He used various species of fish to illustrate his points. His favorite ones, predicatably enough, were the Harmless Pillowminnow, the Throne Fish, and the Dart Fish.

 

Though not a Badass Philosopher specifically, Lord Silvius Alaren Greylord studied under a number of Badass Philosophers. Were it not for his Holy Panhandle, Lord Greylord might have been a Badass Philosopher in truth.

 

Akzann Snow-Under-His-Feet was the only Warlord King of The Land of Thrown Fish who was also a Badass Philosopher. He managed this by insisting that Arkanacleaver was not a weapon, but in fact a decorative chicken stapler. Fortunately for this argument (and thanks in no small part to the bizarre properties of his kingdom), during most of Akzann's reign, Arkanacleaver was in fact a decorative chicken stapler.

 

Sayings

"The conquering of the Throne Fish is another step forward in the conquering of man's fears." -Squidgeon Macallister, famed Badass Philosopher of the Land of Thrown Fish

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