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Beyunbyrnor

Page history last edited by Niall Keegan 17 years, 9 months ago

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Beyunbyrnor

A short, stocky, gruff man with a perpetually red face. If you met him, he would probably remind you of your old woodwork teacher.

 

Born in Arkleaf in 17,893 to parents Aaftabyrnor and Bunzynbyrnor. Beyunbyrnor’s prodigious talent with the bow and arrow was discovered at the age of seven, when he shot an arrow straight up in the air and then shot it with another arrow as it was coming down. He joined the wood-archers as soon as he came of age and ascended quickly through the ranks, due to both his proficiency with the bow and his ability to intimidate even his direct superiors. His soaring career reached its zenith when he was promoted to Bow-Admiral at the age of 30 - just in time for the Siege of Arkleaf.

 

A timeline of Beyunbyrnor’s role in the siege is given below. (For a complete timeline, please see the entry on the Siege of Arkleaf.)

 

 

  • 17,923 - Beyunbyrnor turns 30 and is promoted to Bow-Admiral, the highest rank in the wood-archers. This entitles him to a seat on the High Council of Arkleaf. A month later, the Higgerath begins to assemble outside the Gates of Arkleaf, lead by Gr'z'tok and his War Men. Unfortunately, Beyunbyrnor has been tied up in one of the High Council’s typically Epic meetings since the day of his promotion, and has no idea of what is happening. Nor does anyone else in Arkleaf, as the rest of the wood-archers had taken his period of absence as an opportunity to get drunk and eat ribs.

 

  • 17,924 – The War Men launch their attack on Arkleaf, catching the wood-archers literally off-guard. Though still in the sound-proof meeting room, Beyunbyrnor’s prodigious sense of smell detects the scent of sword oil in the air, and he flees from the room crying, “Arkleaf’s greatest hour of peril is at hand! We shall fight with tooth and claw for our place in history!” The secretary makes a note of this outburst in the minutes. Mounting the highest point of the city wall, Beyunbyrnor rallies the wood-archers from their drunken stupor with an impassioned speech that is not so much inspiring as it is loud and convincingly threatening. Under his leadership, the first sortie of War Men are resoundingly defeated, their corpses forming the beginning of a small pile at the bottom of the wall. Beyunbyrnor is personally responsible for at least one fifth of the enemy fatalities this day, though he resists the temptation to surf down the ramparts on a shield.

 

  • 17,930 ½ - In a shocking oversight, Beyunbyrnor has been so busy managing the defense of the city that he has completely forgotten to send a memo to the High Council of Arkleaf to tell them that there is a bit of a siege on at the moment and he won’t be able to attend the next meeting, sorry about that, someone else will have to bring the sandwiches. It has taken them a mere six and a half years to figure this out for themselves.

 

  • 17,931 - A faction of the Higgerath, lead by General Gron begins pole-vaulting at the spiked Gates of Arkleaf, impaling themselves to a man. Beyunbyrnor takes bets from the other wood-archers upon which spike the next one will land on, making a small fortune in the process.

 

  • 17,946 - During a lull in the battle, Beyunbyrnor actually manages to make it to a High Council meeting. He discovers that they have made a sub-committee of the Grim Vapor Lords and entrusted them with countless key duties over the course of the last nine years. Beyunbyrnor slams his head into the table several times, gaining the attention of the rest of the Council, and explains that this possibly might not have been the wisest decision they could have made, maybe. Or, as he puts it, “Never trust a bugger who evaporates in sunlight”. The rest of the council is convinced, and seeing the need for immediate action, banish the Grim Vapor Lords immediately after the standard three-year “cool-down” period has passed.

 

  • 17,950 – Y'ZgerD’s army is struck down by the wood-archers, who are getting pretty good at this by now.

 

  • 17,956 - A tunnel being dug under the city wall caves in under the weight of the ever- rising pile of dead War Men, killing all the Trench-Diggers. Beyunbyrnor laughs. The support previously promised to the wood-archers finally arrives in the form of a contingent of Cohoris led by General Gyntyllion. Before the High Council of Arkleaf, Gyntyllion unleashes the full power of his Battlestaff, weaving a lovely wicker basket that delights the other Council members. Beyunbyrnor sobs bitterly for a couple of minutes before singing the epic ballad “The Dark Days Ahead”* through gritted teeth.

 

  • 17,959 - After 35 years of leading the only defensive force against the siege, the indifference of the Council to his efforts becomes too much for Beyunbyrnor to bear. He breaks down the door to the Council Chamber (which was unlocked, but he can perhaps be forgiven a little dramatic license) and launches a raging torrent of invective at his fellow members, accusing them of high treason among other things. The force of his rhetoric is so great that the wallpaper inside the chamber blackens and curls, and Peladdywynnyd drops dead on the spot.

 

  • 17,960 – Peladdywynnyd’s funeral. Beyunbyrnor never thought much of him when he was alive and does not attend.

 

  • 17,963 - The pile of dead War Men nears the top of the wall.

 

  • 17,965 – Wary of their impending doom but unable to agree upon a strategy, the members of the council disband and divide the peoples of Arkleaf into The Four Factions. Beyunbyrnor realises the wood-archers don’t stand a chance in hell. Despite having lost all respect for the Council and Arkleaf in general, they vow to go down fighting as a matter of personal pride. Meanwhile, the Cohoris retreat out the Back Door of Arkleaf, which, it turns out, had been open the whole time.

 

  • 17,970 - In a surprising turn of events, a legion of Cohoris Guard led by General Gyntyllion appears out of nowhere just as the Higgerath nears the top of the wall. The General speaks to Beyunbyrnor personally, vowing to honor his pact to the wood-archers until his dying breath. The Admiral gets to enjoy the moment for exactly two and a half seconds before Gyntyllion is beheaded by the first of the War Men over the wall.

 

  • 17,973 – The Higgerath finally overwhelm the wood-archers and slaughter the remaining population of Arkleaf. They briefly debate whether to loot and sack or sack and then loot, eventually deciding to start with pillaging and play it by ear from there.

 

  • 17,974 – The Higgerath get bored and depart the ruins of Arkleaf. The Admiral’s body is never found. It is suspected that he may have defected at the last minute and lived out the rest of his days as an honorary War Man. In any case, the recorded timeline of his life ends here.

 

 

Beyunbyrnor remains a classic example of someone who was born in the right place at the right time, but spent his entire life surrounded by a bunch of utter pillocks.

 

*Legend has it this song lasted for two full years, which is not in keeping with Beyunbyrnor’s renowned impatience or the multiple accounts likening his voice to a sack of marbles rolling over a goose. A more likely explanation is that it only felt like two years to those who had to listen.

Comments (5)

Anonymous said

at 10:18 pm on Feb 17, 2006

*applause*

Anonymous said

at 6:30 am on Feb 18, 2006

Couldn't have done it without your timeline :)

Horseshoe said

at 7:39 pm on Jun 7, 2006

Someone help me settle a bet with the guy who runs the comic book shop: Is it pronounced "bean-burner" or "bay-un-beer-nor"?

Tim said

at 7:45 pm on Jun 7, 2006

you're both wrong (or both partially right?).. the guys at the con were all saying Bay-un-bur-nor, except for this French guy who was saying "bain-beer-ner".. but you should have heard him say hamburger.

Niall Keegan said

at 11:42 am on Jun 11, 2006

You rarely hear the first two syllables enunciated separately, though. I've always pronounced it "BAIN-ber-ner", although I've heard "Bain-BEER-ner" once or twice. Pity he was never mentioned in Wizbits, or we'd have a "canon" pronounciation.

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