Back to Games and Sports

Chelfing

Chelfing, also know as "pyroball" to the unwashed, is the sport peculiar to the Dwarves. This game alone was responsible for the Epic Succession, in which the Kingdom of Kinda Shallow was subjected to 1546 of the 1547 Dwarves of the Kinda Shallow being elevated to the throne and subsequently immolated during the week of the first Coronation Chelfing Tournament. The atrocities ended only when King Overdeep was left with the championship and no remaining challengers.

The game of Chelfing itself is somewhat similar in a distant sense to the game of table tennis, or ping pong to the unwashed. The requirements of the game are a small, enclosed room divided into two halves, wooden paddles, a tray of phos, and the pijin. The two opponents stand in and defend their own half of the playing room. The player deemed the challenger begins the game by serving the "pijin", a small, bouncy ball with a bit of stickiness, with a large wooden paddle (aka: swotter). The server at this time may stand only in the back third of his or her half of the room, called the "back sixth" (or "butt 6" to the unwashed). The pijin travels across the room and bounces on a tray of ferus powder, which sticks to the ball and is spread in a cloud about the room. The goal of the game is to bounce the pijin on the tray and then either hit the opposing player or leave a phos mark on the back wall behind him or her. Striking the back wall in this manner is called a "kek" and is deeply embarrassing, leading many players scored upon to commit suicide immediately thereafter. Hitting the opponent, called an "awnt", causes the rather unstable ferus to ignite the pijin and the victim, turning the victim into a screaming pyre of pain.

Understandably, this game often ends with the death of at least one of the players, unless they play long enough that neither player is capable of returning the ball to the other side. As the game is extremely hazardous and requires a fully enclosed room, only very wealthy venues can provide transparent arenas for spectators. More often than not, the crowd outside must guess the progress of the game, though the common ˆwhooshˆ and associated screaming lamentation are a good clue that someone has won. Or lost. Usually, play goes to three scores, but the only time in history this has ever been recorded was when Old Himple the Gimpy, slightly senile and demented, played against himself in the then-empty Kingdom of Kinda Shallow.

A final, unwritten rule is that all games of Chelfing have no time limit, yet are self-limited. The cloud of ferus powder kicked up by the pijin will eventually spread to the players, causing their certain fiery death. Leaving the arena, therefore, is a high priority.

Interesting to note is that rabid participants have spawned an entire swotter subindustry, with dubious enhancements like partial Transchanting to shout weak insults, handles wrapped with black cat fur for good luck, or incorporation of the sawdust of famous Furniliars. Each swotter becomes an expression and extension of its owner, made to his or her exact size, weight, and customization desires.

The most successful Chelfing player ever was not actually a Dwarf, but a mutant man with an extra arm to hold a second paddle. Many objected, but the referees always pointed out that no rules regarding extra limbs was ever written, as playtesting was nigh impossible. It could be said that Chelfing never progressed past the status of beta build.