Back to Videogames

FurniPets

FurniPets is an "free" online virtual pet game where users can create an take care of their own virtual Furniliar. It was launched in 1999, by Donald Doleg and his wife, Alicia Doleg. Originally a fan-site, it was soon bought out by Multigame Corp

Over 50 different types of Furniliars are creatable, from Sofas to End Tables to Ambulatory Dressers. Players can care for them and feed them in a cartoonish, kid-friendly version of Battal. The currency in the game is called "FurniPoints", which can be used to buy toys, food, and Baby Furniture Polish for the Furniliars. FurniPoints are earned by playing flash games throughout the site, usually outright rip-offs of other classic arcade games with Furniliar characters haphazardly pasted in. In addition, there are messageboards, a FurniColiseum for Furniliar battles, and various sets of items to collect.

It is controversial, as its creators are avid supporters of Unicornism, and there's a portion of the site called "Hey Kids, it's Fun to Gamble, Smoke, and Impregate Whores" sponsored by various casinos, tobacco companies, and Pimp Conglomerates.

Company information

The site has over 11 million users, although only a fraction of these accounts are active, with many users having abandoned the site long ago, and even more having had their accounts "burned".

Multigame Corp estimates the site as being worth $250 million US, due to advertising revenue, as well as the spin off TCG (FurniPet Adventure Battle), the videogame (FurniPets: The Nightiest Nightstand), and collectable plushies (Mooby Resteraunt FurniPet Plushies).

Basics

After creating an account, players can adopt up to three different Furniliars from a list of over 50. The majority of players were once aged 18-25, but the site has made a concentrated effort to estrange this group in recent years, admitting that "tweens are where the real cash is, baby!", and phasing out anything violent, dark, or "too scawy" from the site. With the result that "Death" element has been erased from the game and replaced with the "Baby" element, the element of pure cutesy love and flowers. The webmasters are also currently considering replacing "Carry" with the Element of "Bubbly Pop Music". Currently, the majority of users are aged 7-12.

There are 52 different species of Furniliar available, of which 5 can only be obtained by randomly clicking around the site or by shelling out cash via a Paypal account. Although FurniPets can never die, they can be fed, polished, and trained. All of this takes place without any animation or player feedback of any kind, however, so one can play the game just as well if their Furniliar is well-polished or if it's being half-eaten out by termites.

The game also introduced the concept of FurniFurniliars, which are minature Furniliars meant for Furniliars. All of them cost a great deal of FurniPoints.

Burning

If a player is caught breaking the rules in the Terms and Conditions, all of their Furniliars will be burned in an animation featuring their crying Furniliars being lit ablaze and roasted to ashes.

The following offenses will result in immediate Burning:

• El-Slash
• Mentioning the following words: "gay", "homosexual", "rainbow", "marriage", "Christ", "Satan", "pool party", "booger", "cabbage", "Furnie", "pork rinds", "gelatin", "Wang" (which makes it very hard to navigate the site, as the Wang Kingdom is a featured area), or "love" and more too many to name. For a complete list see: List of Words that Will Get you Burned on FurniPets.
• Drawing unauthorized pictures of FurniPets characters and posting them online. Or at home. Or thinking about drawing FurniPets characters.
• Refreshing a page too many times.
• Suggesting that anything other than Unicornism is the one true faith.

Burning FurniPets is handled by an automatic and over-responsive bot program which basically decide who to burn randomly. Players can complain to the website if they feel their Furniliars have been burned unfairly. This complaint will be printed out and urinated on.

Misc

There is also a Premium Version of FurniPets, which costs actual money, but makes everything on the site actually work, removes the gigantic contraceptive ads on every page, and emails the user free ELotH:TES pornography. However, should a premium account be burned, the resulting animation of all one's pets being burned is much more grotesque, horrific, and mandatory to view.

Oddly enough, the color "purple" on the site is actually "orange". Orange is also orange. This has led to much confusion and resentment. Most figure that Alicia Doleg just really gets off on orange.

The site's operators frequently claim it is entirely un-hackable so as to be able to justify burning random stolen Furniliars. This has of course, led to it being hacked on nearly a weekly basis. As nothing draws hackers to a site than some dipshit suit claiming that hacking it is impossible. This has led to numerous law-testing defense mechanisms being erected by FurniPets in return, including the infamous Strokerizer, Strokeinator, and (recovered from site ruins left from The Day of the Shattered Server) Black ICE hacking countermeasures.