The old man by the bar turned down the volume on his pipe and added more tobacco.

 

"You haven't seen a hornpipe before, then, have you?"

 

"Only once. I traveled by sloughboat a number of years ago, and a member of the crew used one. The sound is distinctive. What confuses me is why someone in the deep interior would use a seafarer's instrument."

 

"Ah, are you familiar with the story of 'Mort and the Earl of the Pirates'?"

 

"I can't say I have heard that one before."

 

"Then listen and you will be enlightened."

 

 

The island kingdom of Kingdom Isle was suffering from a severe shortage of Counterintuitively Heavy Cream, which they needed desperately to fortify their defenses. Without it, they were likely to face invasion from any one of their neighbors. They sent for help from the mainland, but none of the deliveries ever made it to the island.

 

In despair they called upon Mort the Dairyman. After ascertaining that their cause was just and their bills were not past due with the Dairy Board, Mort contracted a ship and loaded it with 3,000 pints of his finest. As they passed the shoals of Way Out In The Middle Of Nowhere, near the Pointy Rocks of Plot Contrivance a ship pulled up asking for supplies. As they pulled alongside, Mort joined the crew at the railing and called over to ask what had happened.

 

"The crew is going mad from coffee deprivation. Our entire supply of half-and-half was lifted from the hold when we were attacked by a school of giant octopii."

 

Mort frowned.

 

"Octopodes?"

 

Mort's frown deepened.

 

"Fine, what then?"

 

"'Octopuses', I'm afraid."

 

"You're kidding."

 

"No. And given your poor grasp of proper grammar I suppose I should also warn you that the plural of 'toothbrush' is not 'teethbrush'. How did they get aboard?"

 

"They didn't. They felt their way into the hold with their tentacles."

 

"As I suspected: you lie! As any ichthyologist can tell you, an Octopus has a separate brain stem for each tentacle, and as such has no way of telling where its tentacle is without looking."

 

"Argh, you have found me out. I am in actuality Bo Ushi, Earl of the Pirates and subject to the whims of no man. Excepting of course the King of the Pirates, the Duke of the Pirates, and the Marquess of the Pirates."

 

"What of the Minister of the Pirates?"

 

"No, that is only under a parlimentary system."

 

"My mistake," smiled Mort.

 

"It will be your last . . . attack!"

 

At that moment a sound much like the side of a ship being pierced by a large jagged rock with the ocean rushing in behind it echoed about them. Ushi turned to see that the side of his ship had been pierced by a large jagged rock and the ocean was rushing in behind it.

 

"How can this be," he wailed, the waves already lapping at his feet, "I only just revealed who I am. There wasn't enough time for you to drive our ship against the Pointy Rocks of Plot Contrivance!"

 

Mort waved sorrowfully at the pirate and explained. "I took the liberty of suggesting this course of action to the captain before we started talking. If I had been wrong I would have signaled him to stop, but it seems my concerns were well founded. Kingdom Isle will receive its Counterintuitively Heavy Cream. So says Mort the Dairyman."

 

"Mort the Dairyman? Had I known I would have let the ship pass rather than take the risk," the Earl of Pirates said. Or would have said had not the water risen above his head. Instead it was more like "Blub, blub, blub."

 

 

"An interesting story," said Heeroh, breaking the silence, "but are you claiming to be that pirate?"

 

"Certainly not," the old man chuckled.

 

"A descendant perhaps?"

 

"Unlikely."

 

"Then I fail to see what the purpose of your story is."

 

"The purpose," the elderly gentleman mused, puffing once more at the hornpipe, producing a tunefull burst of smoke, "Ah yes, the purpose was to create a distraction while my partner crept up behind you with a sword. And now you shall hand over the contents of that purse you carry."

 

There was a tense moment that was finally interrupted by a terrible rush of heat and a brief rain of small, very foul smelling, ash. Suddenly everyone else in the tavern felt the strong urge to pretend they had never even heard of the old man.

 

"Can't keep out of trouble for even a few minutes by yourself, can you?"

 

"Oryand. Let's go find our room, shall we? And bring along the gentleman with the hornpipe. He may have some information we need, and I think he is going to consider the fate of his partner and find it in his heart to be very helpful.”