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Quailheart

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Quailheart

 


 

Swift be bow and fleet be foot,

and ne'er shall fall the dirt or soot

upon ye rainments elfin fair,

or on thy locks of golden hair.

 

-- "Song of Quailheart" from Mudlake, the Forester

 

Introduction and Early Life.

 

With a mane of brilliant golden hair, long elegant ears, great skills of archery, epic craftsmanship, flamboyant dance, and just a bit of sexual ambiguity, Kaellyndacilarynthenaingalaedhelthyalasagilladyndoradil (or as he was usually known in the brusque and inaccurate Plaincommon approximation of his name, Quailheart) is considered by some to be the very embodiment of Elvendom in the ELotH Canon, the unbridled sharpshooter who plays the perfect foil to the austere manner and noble diplomacy of his King and lifelong friend, K'los.

 

But in truth, Quailheart was actually a half-breed: His mother, an Extremely Elf maiden of the northern forests, and his father the great Mollpontius, the Nevelost hero. Though the mixed blood of the Elves and Nevelost resulted in notorously long-lived and agile progeny, Quailheart felt no pride at his birth in the Dweel Mounds that would one day become the city of Merrigold. In fact, at times he went a little too far proving just how extremely Elfin he actually was. Quailheart's mixed heritage was quite obvious, as he had the striking looks of an Extremely Elf combined with the bright glowing eyes of the Nevelost. However, his fellow Elves learned not to inquire about his father's death, nor the First Great Tragedy of the Nevelost, lest they wished to face him in single combat and pay for their insolence the price of abject humiliation... or death.

 

Usually, Elves who are not blonde, have no affinity for bows, songwriting or woodcrafting (or who in any other way defied Elfin stereotypes) were subject to no small amount of mockery and derision. The Elfin Warrior Bloodbyyrd, who wore heavy metallic armor, fought with a giant axe, drank barrels of beer, and wore his black hair in a short crewcut coined the phrase: "We're not all just a bunch of Quailhearts, you know!"

 

Quailheart, in the gloom of the Mist Sea

 

The Hunter

 

Though admittedly most of the Extremely Elves are Rangers by profession, none of them could profess the skill in tracking and taming exhibited by Quailheart. Swiftest of the Elven Messengers, his skill of the hunt and ability to bend the minds and hearts of the animal-folk to his will would be proven to be nearly supernatural time and time again. Never was this more evident than during the times of strife between the Elfin factions, when Quailheart would lend his talent to the hunting of hunters, when he trained his arrows upon the cousins of his noble race.

 

Quailheart crouched low to the ground, holding his hand over the tracks and studying their patterns. The platoon of Elfin soldiers looked on in wonder as he fastidiously examined the ground with his keen sight and dextrous touch.

 

"Twelve and ninety Elim ago the Leuw'byanz walked here. All fifteen remain. Captain Hyll'dryn is still wounded from our battle last fortnight and favors his left heel. They ate what little was left of their rations, which consisted mostly of dried Missel and Hayberry, one and a half days ago and are ravenous and desperate knowing how far they are from Finkfru. We shall overtake them in 82 Elim, just before the dusk at the edge of these marshes, a mere ten and a half ploisnu from here... seeing the open country they will run and fall to our arrows. Victory is certain, friends."

 

"Ridiculous," sneered Arnalfynn, "By my mother's ears, how would one discern such things?"

 

"He is Quailheart" snapped K'los, grabbing the front of the impetuous archer's tunic, "and he knows more of the hunt than you ever shall know of your own wyllyngus!"

 

The ranger seemed to take no notice of this exchange, as he was sniffing the bark of a Smirkwood.

 

"Ahhh," he exhaled, savoring the scent, "Lieutenant Golthyrion simply reeks of doubt and humiliation... it is delicious!"

 

-- from The Elfin Factions Tetragy

 

He would also astonish the Mean Elves during the Unlight War by taming a massive flock of Bat-Mice, and turning them against the Unlight Elves in a pivotal battle outside the Gates of Great Gandandersanden. At this same battle he displayed his knack for manipulation of the Earth element, striking a gear learned from a Grand Elemenstor that shook the roof of the Empire of Dark and rained stalactites down upon the invaders. However, he was not present at the Most Epic and Climactic Battle of the War of Unlight nor the Incredibly Spectacular Ceremony of the End of the Unlight War, for reasons that will be explained later.

 

The Artist

 

All Elves have a love for creativity and florid expression, and Quailheart embodied this in his every activity. Every stich of clothing, every arrow, every bow, every movement was done with the precision of a dancer upon the stage. Many would comment (often in exasperation) that it seemed as if he were constantly "performing" for some invisible audience. And on the subject of dance, he was reknowned throughout elvendom for his Elfin Jig, a form of dancing with little upper body movement, but with a flourish of sexual energy in the knees and ankles that can be rivalled in the steps of no other culture. His fame of the Jig was famously mocked by Sovereign Shadomorn at the height of the Vampyric Wars... which also resulted in Quailheart's report to K'los and the Council of Elves that the Men of the twelve realms were: "backwater savages not worth saving."

 

Few artisans could match his ability in crafting epic items, particularly arrows. It is said that of all of the members of the Elfin Fletcher's Guild, the arrows of Quailheart were the most swift and deadly of all. His mark of craftsmanship was distinctive, and his great skill in both combat and fletching was evident in any battle among the casualties... which brings us to the, shall we say, dark side of Quailheart: that he considered his creative slaying of the Dwarves to be his main form of artistic expression.

 

The Dwarfslayer

 

The Dwarves say that no single living nor unliving being, no force of nature nor cataclysm, and some say even no army that exists in the Worldrealm has slain as many Dwarves as the "Pointy-Eared Devil Quailheart", which, in the languages of the Dwarves, is usually punctuated by vigorous spitting. However, this estimate is likely an exaggeration, as Quailheart's highly sought-after skills as a fletcher resulted in many of his arrows being in circulation, so it is likely that the Dwarves have erroneously associated many of their slain bretheren that were found pierced with an arrow bearing the Mark of Quailheart to its maker. However, the coldness of Quailheart's feelings toward Dwarves was indeed legendary, and he seemed determined to always leave enough survivors to retell his deeds. The skilled hunter usually left not only the calling card of his arrow, but also the calling card of his certain... inimitable style:

 

"I like not passing through these woods," said Killbain, "for it seems to me that there might be an elf behind every tree!"

 

"You hog-brained buffon," muttered Dthr'nex, "Why else would that long-eared devil have hidden in here? Have your wits and your throwing axes at hand!"

 

Dthr'nex turned from his companion and peered for a moment down the wooded canyon that lay before them in the shadowed forest of the Mardath Highlands. He cared not for such a chase either, but he was closer than ever to slaying this mysterious villain who had taken nearly his whole company away from him, and did not intend on losing him now. No Elf would lay foot in Dwarfsdown with impunity on his watch!

 

"I believe the demon means to trap us in yonder hollow, Killbain... I say we make our way west and around to the--"

 

Dthr'nex glanced back to behold the last of his men face-down on the ground with no less than seven arrows lodged into the back of his neck, all bearing the infamous Mark of Quailheart. Additionally, he was missing three braids of his beard... but more chillingly, his kidneys appeared to have skillfully been removed and the resultant wounds stitched up with a decorative purple thread. The grizzled Dwarf's breath was nearly taken away by the familiar sight.

 

"Oh, arsevuksing moonrears!" gasped Dthr'nex, "It's him!"

 

-- from ELotH:TES Book 3

 

(When Dthr'nex returns home, he finds that Dwarfsdown has been burned to the ground. This delays the journey of Gavment significantly, as Dthr'nex is whipped into a veritable fury, believing the Elves to have been behind the plot. Later in the book, he accuses Xoxor Xxar of being an elf in disguise before perishing on the villain's unspeakable blade)

 

Though Quailheart could have easily risen to a position of leadership amongst the Elves, his compatriot K'los considered him to be far too reckless to accept the responsibility, having fought side-by-side with him during The War of the Item Guilds. He knew that Quailheart's reputation with the Dwarves would haunt him for all of his near-immortal existence, and never took the risk of even giving him the command of a handful of Elfin warriors. Unfortunately, this lack of responsibility left Quailheart free to do as he pleased... which a lot of the time involved either killing Dwarves or members of whatever Elfin Faction happened to be hostile to the Extremely Elves at the moment.

 

The Lover

 

Needless to say, an Elf of many talents can draw admirers as easily as he acquires bitter enemies. There are certain women who find an Elf who can tame animals, sing, dance, fletch, slay a dwarf with seven arrows, surgically remove his kidneys and then stitch his carcass back up again in less that three seconds to be completely irresistible. Most of the "women" who are particularly impressed with that last bit happen to be Witch-Elves. This was rather convenient actually, as Quailheart seemed to be interested in their affections exclusively.

 

Herein lies much of the ambiguity about Quailheart's sexuality. Not that Quailheart was any more effeminate than the rest of his kind, nor did he ever appear attracted to males (save for what was sometimes described as a "staring problem") He seemed to prefer a female form... but not one that had any sexual organs with which his own were compatible. In the case of Witch-Elves, most humanoids would say that they don't have any at all.

 

"Dude, I don't know about this..." said S'yrf'yl, "I'm not sure I like tracking some purple chick into these creepy woods just because you have a thing for her. I'd say she already knows we're following her and is leading us into some sort of trap."

 

"Even more alluring! I do admit these Forest Woods are not to my liking at all, my blue friend," mused Quailheart, "but I find this Gwyndlewhythlwend to be absolutely intoxicating... Why, I daresay I'd like to... hehe..."

 

"You'd like to what? I'm seriously asking you this, man... Like, what do you do down there? Is it... hidden or something?"

 

-- The Twilight Vampyres

 

Unfortunately for many fans, it never was revealed exactly what it was that Quailheart was up to in the boudoirs of the Elf-Witches... but suffice it to say that it was enough to spread his legend througout their ranks and even make his Immortal companion S'yrf'yl curious about the affections of Elf-Witches... which unfortunately led to a very embarrassing situation some years later. More unfortunately, there is no small amount of adult fanfic devoted to describing in great anatomical detail exactly how these amorous exchanges are transacted.

 

His Enemies

 

The enemies of Quailheart were by no means limited to Dwarves and hostile Elfin Factions, for he lived long enough to travel nearly all the lands of Battal and test many foes with his arrows.

 

__Page 17, panel 1__

Meanwhile, at the Glade of Alake'l

I'den: Is this it?

Qualheart: The tracks of the Voles who stole the talisman clearly lead here.

 

__Page 17, panel 2__

But our heroes are not alone...

I'den: Hey, who are those guys?

Guy 1: a/s/l?

Guy 2: We're collecting Vole Skins.

 

__Page 17, panel 3__

Quailheart: You are interfering with our quest.

Guy 1: Tough muffins, Elfie!

Guy 2: Yeah, get ur glowin eyes outta here, noob!

 

__Page 17, panel 4__

I'den: You really shouldn't have said that...

Quailheart: RRGH! I HATE CAMPERS!

 

-- from comic crossover: Legendary World of Hierarchs: The Epic Crusade

 

The foes of Quailheart include:

 

His Allies

 

Despite his penchant for jumping into whatever war or conflict was happening at the time and undiplomatic manner, Quailheart's skill and charisma won him many allies as well. Still... most people whom he befriended would later become, or previously were, his enemies. Therefore, his constant allies were very few.

 

"So you wish me to aid this Princess," he said, "The one who kept you from joining my side in the Unlight War."

 

"You know of my vow, Qualheart" replied Llorllthos, "and that the word of the Nevelost cannot be so broken."

 

"Do not presume that these eyes necessarily bestow upon me your noble sympathy, old friend. I am loyal to you for your deeds in Lol'thoriun, and always shall be. What would you have of me this day?"

 

"There are few yet who percieve the threat of the Dark Master. As such, our allies have dwindled. It is our hope that you could bring us the aid of the Extremely Elves."

 

"I'm afraid not. K'los is upset with me for slaying the Dwarven ambassador from Grothondogrim.

 

"What of the Witch-Elves?"

 

"So few of them remain after the Unlight War," sighed Quailheart, "and most of those are bitter ex-lovers and jealous husbands."

 

"Surely the Mean Elves owe you a favor?"

 

"They don't seem to think so. They're either upset because Cutter Glade died in the campaign, that I crushed most of thier capital city, or that I didn't want to let Healix Freena punch a metal ring though my nethers. Probably all three."

 

"The Darkmarch Elven?"

 

"They'll never help me... they're still mad about the dance contest I won in Finkfru."

 

"I seem to remember that The Low-Elves of Lol'thoriun owe us a favor."

 

"Not now. I turned down an offer to marry one of their princesses, who looks like a hideous Goblin... and I told a group of what I thought were High-Elves about that... turns out they were actually drunken Low-Elves. Which in turn offended the High-Elves. So they're both out."

 

"The S'wftfl'woots?"

 

"Only S'yrf'yl cares for adventure. But at the moment he cloistered in Middleclang, overcome with bliminy. Plus, that Dwarven ambassador was a friend of his."

 

"Yes, I suppose that's another problem..."

 

At that moment, Sakengaarg entered the chamber, bearing a plate of hors d'ouvres. His eyes met those of Quailheart and the two immediately threw down their plates and drew weapons.

 

"Ye gods, man!" shouted the Forge-King, "What in Suntor's name is he doing here?"

 

"Apparently, I'm here for your funeral, hair-face! Pity that I appear to be just a bit early."

 

"Sakengaarg, leave us! I will take care of this!" shouted the healer, stepping between the adversaries.

 

The Dwarf begrudgingly backed out of the room slowly, fingering the haft of his axe and slamming the door upon his exit. As the ranger sheathed his dagger the Llorllthos let out a long sigh. Quailheart looked down at his plate with disgust.

 

"That filthy Dwarf probably touched all of these... they always do that you know. And they double dip, too. I don't know how any Elf can tolerate such uncouth creatures."

 

"It is most difficult to be your friend, Quailheart."

 

-- from the Crystalcrown Chronicles by Paul Thompson

 

The Allies of Quailheart include:

 

At times Quailheart was known to ally himself with Men, but often they would try his patience, at which time he was known to remark, "If only we hadn't gotten distracted," to which they would inevitably reply, "What was that?" which would ellicit the response of, "Nothing."

 

"Also Known As"

 

His reputation (along with his lenghty and difficult to pronounce Elfin name) amassed him titles and nicknames that were bestowed by various cultures or historical figures. Though some say Quailheart has a hundred names, in fact it's more like several tens of names. Some of his names that have been evoked in ELotH are listed below:

 

  1. Quailheart (his most common name to Men and Elves, though proper elfin shorthand of his name was K'dil)
  2. Long-Eared Devil (his most common name to the Dwarves)
  3. Quickfoot (to the Minotaur)
  4. Mooneyes (to the Grottolings)
  5. Wildbow (to the Sw'ftfl'woots)
  6. Coldbood (to The Low-Elves)
  7. Dwarfslayer (less common, but pretty much everybody knows this one)
  8. Dancefever (to The Darkmarch Elven)
  9. Treetop Lover (to the Witch-Elves)
  10. Mister Thinks He's So Handsome (to the Khith)

 

His Fate

 

Naturally, Qualheart considers himself to be one of The Worthy who will sail away in a particulary Elfin fashion at the end of time to The Flowing Vast. But until either The Fourteenth Manuscript is published, or some other author paints for him a death in a yet-unwritten conflict of The Ending Times, nobody will know for sure.

 

Quailheart

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