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Return to the Epic Sicklemire Dilemma

Page history last edited by PBworks 15 years, 8 months ago

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ToECS Book Three: Return to the Epic Sicklemire Dilemma

 

Dust Jacket

Above the lifeless body of Hopea, the sinister Lord Hopebane plans his final epic conquest. Lady Arisa and Lady Ambivilia plan a conquest to prevent Hopebane's conquest. Deep in the Ultracraggoths, The Yam-Eaters plan an even-more-final, even-more-epic conquest. The Hyacinth Emperor demands his bureaucrats define and regulate the very notion of both epic-ness and conquest. Find out the epic result when you conquer the epic conclusion to the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga: Return to the Epic Sicklemire Dilemma!

 

Plot

As it turns out, Hondana, Furniliar to Lady Arisa, saw the murder of Lopae, making it clear that Hopebane was behind all the murders. When Hopebane approached Ambivilia and informed her that "dissent in the court was rising," and he "feared a revolution may soon be at hand," they realized he had been using them to plan a coup--and they saw in Lopae's body the fate of those he no longer believed to be useful. Arisa seduced Hopebane and stole the Armor of Fullchesthood, and Ambivilia immediately began rallying what courtiers they could against Hopebane.

 

Meanwhile, the Kapiten is mostly irritated that Percy took three years to return with his potatoes. However, rather than punish him with latrine duty, he decides a grueling march through the mountains is punishment enough, and sends Percy to Teisti with an official letter to the Emperor (though they did not know exactly who it was) advising immediate action be taken.

 

Back in the Bay of Cream, the courtiers set out for Hopebane's castle in Hopea, Ambivilia wearing the Armor. They found their way to Hopebane's realm, and upon arrival overpowered his Dark Elemenstor guards. Ambivilia and Hopebane fought valiantly, but Hopebane soon made the mistake of slashing at Ambivilia's armor, breaking off a piece of the breastplate and granting him a view deep into her enhanced cleavage. Staring at her chest, he walked into a pillar, knocking Hopebane's Bane off the wall and into his head, killing him instantly.

 

Ambivilia returned triumphantly to Teisti, still wearing the damaged armor, where an extremely-well-attended parade was thrown in her honor. She caught the eye of the new Hyacinth Emperor at the parade, and was immediately made Hyacinth Empress.

 

Percy arrives as the parade winds down, and presents the letter to the Emperor. After consulting with his new Empress on the gravity of the situation, the Emperor immediately summons his best bureaucrats to deal with the situation--who in a stunning final showdown present the Yam-Eaters with 370 B-46 Forms Declaring Intent to Revolt, 3,412 FCA Forms Declaring Intent To Grow Prohibited Crops, 1,244 C512-A General Villainry Riders, 98 Official Registration Forms asking for twenty years of back dues from the General Shadowy Puppeteer Union, 831 B121-4 Hazardous Mountain Dwelling Certification Documents, and 914 Mandatory Villain Injury Liability Waivers. When the bureaucrats return in 72 hours to pick up the forms, they find the entire encampment dead, bodies twisted and mangled under the crushing weight of bureaucracy. This is considered the opening moment of the Pax Hyacinth, and is the close of this grand trilogy.

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