Back to Other Elemenstor Literature
The Kronikles of Noodlenia
by Chyto Erahb
Serialized in Noodly Appendage of Our Lord Monthly, the Kronkiles of Noodlenia was an allegorical account of Pastafarianism set in a pocket universe contained within Chester Drawers the dresser Furniliar who dwelt within the Broken Lands long before the events of the Quasar Riders of Zonardia.
The world, called Noodlenia, was a realm where three young children had adventures in a world where Creatures could talk. All of the stories are about average children from Battal who enter Noodlenia through the passageway C. Drawers and take place in absolute battles between good and evil with the help of the highly revered Penne, a duck-billed platypus.
Astute readers have noticed that the name of the author is a rather obvious anagram for Tycho Brahe, making many suspect he was the author of the series. However, there is heated debate over this within the fandom, with many fans refusing to consider the Kronikles of Noodlenia part of ELotH:TES canon at all.
The Kronikles of Noodlenia contain many references to Pastafarian beliefs, presented so as to be appealing to children. It also contains many references to Battal lore, as well as random fantasy elements from traditional fairy tales around the world.
The Platypus, the Unicorn, and the Talking Dresser
The first story of the serial is the tale of three children who discover a hidden land inside of their Elemenstor stepfather's Furniliar. There, they find a mystical world where everything is sentient (and yet curiously still eat eachother) that is under the control of an evil magical Unicorn. They are assisted in their adventures by Father Manifeet, and a magical talking duck-billed platypus who is the True King of Noodlenia.
Criticism and Notes
The Platypus, the Unicorn, and the Talking Dresser is highly derided by non-Pastafarians as containing much too deus ex machina. Literally. Penne, the Platypus is obviously a representation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in animal form, and literally performs every important thing in the book - from rescuing the denizens of Noodlenia who have been turned into frozen pizza pies, to finally defeating the Offwhite Unicorn with a mighty sting of his poisonous flipper-spurs.
It is also notable that the evil Unicorn sorceress may be a direct jab at Unicornism, the chief competing religion for Pastafarians. Unicornists often criticize this book for just that.
Many Pastafarians themselves have issues with the book, as they feel it portrays His Noodleliness as much too violent and militant. It is noted several times within the work, someone says the following line:
Penne isn't some long-haired, pot-smoking, lovey dovey hippie. He's a wild platypus. If you look at him the wrong way, he'll rip your fucking eyes out, man!
Which conflicts with many of the more pacifistic, Pastafarian teachings.
The Prince who was Formerly Known as the Artist
The second story has the children from Battal returning to Noodlenia again, only to find that the land has been taken over from an evil race known as the Spiccy Beaners who have usurped the Prince and forced him into a life of seclusion amongst Midgets.
Criticism and Notes
This story has little to do with the "The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster", although it does reinforce some themes from the first book. It also reasserts that midgets were amongst the first of the beings created by His Noodly Appendage, and that taller people may just be a sad perversion away from His Original Design.
However, this section of the serial is amongst the most controversial and disliked, as it seems readily apparent that the "evil fantasy race" that has invaded Noodlenia is nothing more than a crudely drawn prejudicial stereotype of Mexican Hispanics. Aside from the obvious indication from the name of the race, there is also the long passages describing the Spiccy Beaner's "Tequila Cannons" and "Death Sombreros".
The Holy Meatballs of Yarr
The children return to Noodlenia again, and are told by Penne that the Holy Population of Pirates has gone down, causing global warming. The Pirates have set out throughout the Tomatosauce Islands to find the Holy Meatballs of Yarr, but they have been gone so long, the world has begun to heat up to immense temperatures. They must set out on the seas to rescue all the Pirates and return them to Noodlenia. Along with the children, comes their dirty hippie cousin, described here:
He didn't believe in eating meat or killing people, or even punching them in the nuts. He hated smoking, drinking, and swallowing pills of unknown hallucinogenic origins. What a fucking pussy!
The Platinum Loveseat
While supposedly being the tale of a prince of Noodlenia being driven mad by an evil Furniliar, it is actually a complex and confusing allegory attempting to explain to children the intracacies of the Unified Spaghetti Theory.
Criticism and Notes
What the hell?!
The Donkey Who Killed the Chinkos
What begins as a story allegorical to the revered Pastafarian Myth of Captain Mosey and the Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" soon turns into the strange adventures of a talking donkey and a juvinile pirate travel to the Noodlenia capital to alert them of an invasion of the Chinko race.
Criticism and Notes
More thinly veiled racism that made the serialization of this story so controversial. Although sometimes debated, the "Chinko" race, with its "Heathen Wang-Fu Arts" and "Untrustworthy, squinty eyes" seems to be an offensive stereotypical representation of Asians. This is highlighted in parts 6, 8, and 12 when "Chinko" is randomly replaced with the word "Dirty Jap".
The story seems to be an obvious parallel to the Pastafarian tale of Captain Mosey, as he is given 10 stone tablets by Penne, and manages to defeat the army of the "Chinkos" by dropping 2 of them on them, leaving only 8 Laws passed down to mankind.
The Elemenstor's Rentboy
A flashback tale in which we learn of the initial transchanting of Chester Drawers, and get to see Penne create Noodlenia in vivid description, bringing it to life by the combined "quacking/barking" that platypuses are so known for.
Criticism and Notes
The best-recieved of the entire series is this story, in which we see an allegorigal account of the Flying Spaghetti Monster create mountains, trees, and midgets with His Noodly Appendage.
Everybody Dies
12 chapters describing in detail of the way Penne gets fed up with people and kills everyone off, sending those he doesn't like (including several main characters) to the Land of Spoiled Meat to writhe in agony amongst maggots and fouls smells, while taking everyone he does like into the Land of Fresh Pasta.
Criticism and Notes
By now, the author had abandoned all pretense of his intention to write an allegory for the Flying Spaghetti Monster disgused as a fairy tale, and had begun to often refer to Penne as "Platypasta" or more commonly throughout the installments, "That Bastard who Took Jane Away From Me".
Indeed, the author's sanity apparently totally frays away, as the plot of the narrative begins to move further and further away from mainstream Pastafarian beliefs and culminates in a detailed list of everyone the author would like to see sent to Hell. The most prominent name on the list is Gabe, who appears no less than 47 times.
Comments
| When was this printed? Was it recent? -bfg00- |
| Throughout the last 8 years or so as a monthly feature in a magazine. Its obscure nature and lack of mention in the larger canon make it suspect as to if it even really is canon, but Realmworlds, seemingly at the behest of Brahe, did give the magazine and "author" (if it is indeed someone besides Tycho Brahe himself) license to use ELoTH concepts in small amounts in return for discounts at various Italian resteraunts. Of course, its of little interest to secular fans of the larger canon except as a curiosity. And for completists. - Zeta |
| Ah, I don't get that magazine so I was just curious. -bfg00- |
Comments (0)
You don't have permission to comment on this page.