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Vander Eyemless

Born in 22,271, Vander Eyemless was never destined for much of anything. His upbringing was largely uneventful; at 18, he joined the ill-fated Frogginham palace guard. Needless to say, that didn't work out too well... but it led to some Epic adventures.

EFWQ XIV

Vander's first appearance was actually in the video game EFWQ XIV: Legend of the Mule Queen. The game details his adventures pursuing Kafkaesque Backenstabben, betraying the king, stealing the Red Dwarf Wand and going on a world-wide killing-spree to collect all of Battal's Wands. A visiting monarch from the south side of the Sickle was somehow transformed into a mule during the attack on Frogginham, and she must be restored to her true form (hence the game's title). Vander mounts the queen (in more ways than one) and heads off in pursuit of Kafkaesque, who is attempting to assassinate the descendants of The Kings Council (of whom, apparently, Vander is one).

Vander meets many friends. Jackpot, the eccentric, money-hungry, slot machine Furniliar, Jarrakas the hulking Ogre, Tabitha Phansoivice the sultry elven sorceress/aristocrat/prostitute, Pinkly Twitchit the dashing, effeminate swordsman, and Warg XI, a young Werewolf who desires to be an Arteest, but has no thumbs, and is thus ever tormented. But most importantly, Vander meets Jenna Eggshell, Queen of the Cluckrin and love of his life.

Big Trouble in the Little Sickle

The odds were that Vander would never amount to much as a character, but for some reason Alan Moore decided to rescue Vander from ignominy and geek trivia and turn him into one of the more literarily significant characters in Battal. First, Moore introduced the loving and happy couple, Vander and Jenna, garnering some sympathy for their ill-fated union. Then, Moore retconned most of the video game, explaining away some of the more over-the-top scenes in what has come to be known as the "tavern retcon."

Basically, while drinking one night with his buddies back home in Joisey, Vander sets about "correcting" certain "rumors" about his adventures. He admits that he introduced Phlish on Lanumon, travelled with a motley crew, and indeed hooked up with an enormous chicken. But he never had a crush on either Jarrakas or Tabitha, he was actually a pretty decent swordsman, and he certainly never collected all of Battal's Wands.

Once everything is cleared up, he works up the courage to introduce his lady love. She promptly chokes to death on a banana.

With nothing but his horse Xena and his somewhat crappy blade Stonecleaver, Vander sets out to single-handedly slay the nineteen Ginormo of The Sickle to resurrect his dead girlfriend, the Cluckrin Jenna Eggshell. With a typicial Alan Moore twist, the resurrection's success is marred by the release of Belchazar, a 60,000 year old black Dyemon who had his soul stored in each of the Ginormo by Mardrangion and a team of Elemenstors. Belchazar keeps up his end of the bargain and brings Vander's girl back to life, then proceeds to do a few very bad things.

Ignoring the tragedy they have caused, Vander and Jenna Eggshell are shown living happily ever after, at least until Mardrangion returns to the Sickle some years later. Curtis the Mightstand restrains Vander and Mardrangion actually employs Magniloquent palavercation to re-seal Belchazar into Eyemless, causing him to be reborn in 22,371 into Toran Eyemless, a young Dyemon/human hybrid, tying Vander back into The Elemenstor Cycle. It is not known what became of Jenna at this point, but of course much is known of Toran Eyemless, hero of the Hierarch Wars.

The novel received official recognition and praise thanks to its simple yet heartbreaking prose and its gorgeous descriptions of the death of each of the Ginormo. The book includes little dialogue once the adventure has begun, instead featuring Moore's trademark internal narration describing breathtaking scenery, nineteen fabulously fearsome noble beasts, and nineteen artfully described and amazing Action Sequences. It is also the only work within the franchise to win a Pulitzer Prize.

At the awards ceremony, the presenter could only say "Jesus, who'd have fucking thought we'd ever award anything to the fucking Elemenstor franchise?" Despite its critical acclaim, it was a sleeper hit amongst hard-core fans who regard it as too simplistic for their tastes since the boob factor is very low. Somehow chicken breast just doesn't cut it.

Aftermath

Toran Eyemless features heavily in Book 12.