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Warrior Chefs of Battal

Many groups in Battal have a history as storied and rich with legend as the Warrior Chefs of Battal. The Warrior Chefs are, as their name implies, Warriors. They are also, as the name also implies, Chefs.

The history is made even more rich and storied by the fact that it didn't happen linearly. The origin of the Warrior Chef's is during the Century of Fire (circa year 18,000), but due to one of continuities happy accidents, the tradition was founded at the base of Mount Wor, which exists in various pockets of non-linear timenes. As a result, the influence of the movement attracked followers backwards through time, allowing the group to have long standing impact on the history of Battal, long before they were founded (most notably in the year 13,556 when they were instrumental in resolving the The Great War Of The Warlords).

The Journeys of Alton Longsword

The Warrior Chefs were founded early in the history of Battal, when Alton Longsword, having just been humiliated in one-on-one combat with one hundred and fourteen separate instruments of battle, eleven farm implements, three types of writing implements, and then savagely beaten with a nearby rooster, swore off conventional weapons. As recorded,

With that statement, Alton Longsword died, and the first of the Warrior Chefs was born. For years he trained in the desert, dueling spatula to spatula with the pancake masters in the east, training his reflexes until he could gut a fishy trout in as it leapt from the stream, scale, fry and serve it so quickly that only the skeleton landed back in the water. To the Wang Kingdom he journeyed, where he learned the Way of the Wok, and became the first man to master Spaghetti Boxing in over a hundred years.

Gathering of the Chefs - The Bronze Age

Alton’s fame began to grow, and everywhere he went, his Battle Skillets slung over his back, people whispered in the shadows, Food’s come to town. Soon others joined his quest, Short Fry, master of the Griddle, Mom, whose meat loaf was said to induce bowel convulsions even in the Quilp, and Emerill D’gustion, who pioneered the art of cooking Red Turbo Swamp Slime Raccoons.

The Night of Broken Pots

Alton began to accumulate enemies, with every Quiche he served, and every Pasta boiled, his enemies grew more numerous. Chief among these was Rahy Krok of McDonaldonia. Fortunately for Alton, and unfortunately for his enemies, many of the new Warrior Chefs were as good at battle as they were at baking (Not least of these was Bjorn Burning Bun, who was better at both than he was at either), and as fast as they arrived, assassins dropped dead. Some died of cholesterol poisoning, others of heart failure. Most died at the table, unable to walk away from the deadly delectables. The Warrior Chefs grew comfortable, and were completely shocked when the Macdonaldonians Secret Police, the Mcstapo, raided their camp one night, slaughtering the Chefs in what would be known as the Night of Broken Pots. To this day, this remains the greatest tragedy in their history. Each Year, the Chefs gather to observe a moment of silence, and smash a pot (preferably on a Macdonaldonian’s head) to commemorate this.

Founding of Teflonicus – The Cast Iron Age

Soon it became clear that there was no safe place for a Warrior Chef in Battal, no place to hang a pot without someone casting a curse on it, no baking oven thick enough to turn away the enemies, so the Warrior Chefs migrated to the northern plains above Mount Wor, where they created Teflonicus, the City of Chefs, known chiefly for its ten thousand ride through restaurants, each large enough to serve a battalion, and it’s Kitchen Stadiation, where the Warrior Chefs engaged in their own unique form of Gladiation.

Rise of the Council – The Teflon Age

Alton died at the ripe old age (for a Warrior Chef) of 48, and per his dying wish, his ashes were ground up in the great pepper shakers that hold the gates to the city. It is recommended that visitors to the City of Chefs use the prepackaged pepper. With Alton’s death, the Warrior Chefs recon the beginning of the Teflon Age. Amid the confusion and fear that followed the death of their beloved leader, a Council of Cooks arose to govern the city, regulate the silverware used, and maintain the menus.

Feeding the Fires of War

Throughout the history of Battal, the Warrior Chefs have been present to feed the fires of War. Without them, the War Lords of The Great War Of The Warlords would not have had the energy to fight. In fact, the warlords, camped about the base of Mount Wor, gathered each morning in Teflonicus to enjoy a fine breakfast of Peep Eggs and Raccoon Bacon, as well as camaraderie, before going out to slaughter each other.

Head Chefs

Chief among the head chefs was Magnus Silver Spatula, who, with Harmak the Horny, negotiated an end to the Great War of the Warlords, which, while good for business, was bad for Warlords. The short order cooks tell tales that say Magnus was born wielding a Spatula, and a Cleaver (much to the harm of his mother). He donned the sacred Cook’s Apron at the unprecedented age of 14, and won his Chef’s Hat by holding the first Ice Cream Barbeque, in the heart of Mount Windice. Magnus was said to have spared the life of one of the Warlords, Marat. The tale goes that when Magnus learned of how Harmak intended to end the War by giving away Quilder to settle the debt that began the War, he chose Marat to live, because Marat had cleaned his plate the day before. Feeding Marat a purposefully undercooked Fishy Trout, Magnus ensured that Marat would be unable to walk the next day, let alone accept the deadly gifts.

Magnus also forged the Rusted Spoon of Discontent, supposedly because an opponent said "Eat your heart out!", to which Magnus replied with his ever present wit, "No, YOU eat your heart out." He then made his opponent eat his own heart out. If nothing else, Magnus always carried through with his promises.