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Bartholomeu Chairglued

Bartholomeu Chairglued, one of the Magic Sword Kings, earned his epithet while succumbing to the brashness that is unfortunately characteristic of youth. Inheriting the throne shortly after his ill-fated uncle, Ginnerfar Notallthere, died beneath his horse in a compromising and questionable position, King Bartholomeu decided that he needed to restore his kingdom's faith in the monarchy by performing a deed of great bravery--the kind that almost got you killed but hopefully provided you with a new perspective on life.

Having heard rumors of the mysterious Perilous Seat, a strange artifact that was housed within the Castle of Minor Irritations on the far marches of his kingdom, the young King Bartholomeu set forth one morning to unlock the secrets of the Perilous Seat and to win through whatever adventures might befall him on his way. He took with him only his magic sword, the Ice Picke of Lesser Injury, and his well-trained hawkfalcon, Swoope Jumblefeathers.

After several days of difficult walking (it rained mostly) and of few adventures (besides a sprained ankle), King Bartholomeu finally arrived at the mysterious Castle of Minor Irritations via a frustratingly rocky path. After having to climb hundreds of stairs that were overly steep, he walked through a large, poorly-lit hallway that was just a touch on the drafty side. When he entered the room that held the seat (or tripped into it, really, as all of the floorboards in the door thresholds in the Castle of Minor Irritations were set just a bit too high), he was unimpressed by the chair's lackluster appearance. (He would have been more impressed, perhaps, if he could have actually seen the seat, but the rooms in the castle were all just a bit too dark for one to see clearly).

No one knows exactly what transpired in the room of the Perilous Seat, but it is known that Swoope Jumblefeathers returned home to King Bartholomeu's castle alone. Fastened to its leg was a hastily-scrawled note on a slip of parchment that read:

Unfortunately, there was some confusion over which magical seat the king had affixed himself to. It was only after the sizeable rescue party of soldiers and laborers found the Dolorous Seat in the Castle of Drafty Winds vacant that they realized their mistake. When they finally reached the Castle of Minor Irritations and stumbled into the room of the Perilous Seat, King Bartholomeu had already eaten most of his beard and two of his smaller fingers.