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The Land of Thrown Fish

Page history last edited by Tim 10 years, 2 months ago

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The Land of Thrown Fish

Referred to in other kingdoms as "proof that the Hierarchs built this world to punish us," The Land of Thrown Fish has a unique and interesting tale surrounding it. Its origin, culture, and traditions all make it quite a rare state indeed. The culture came to an unfortunate end in year 999, when it fell during the Vampyric Wars, taking its various unique species with it. Some of their weapons survived unintentionally, such as with the War Men's "stab axe" (korungshokurung'o).


One of the major industries was fish husbandry, and many unique breeds of fish were found here and no where else. The name of the kingdom was based on a play off of two of the most prominent species; those being the Throne Fish and the Dart Fish. The land is named for its unique methood of warfare, which involved throwing throne fish and dart fish at the enemy and watching them be annihilated, and cleaning up the remains with their War Pokeys, which are two-pronged spears used to inflict shallow wounds on the sides of the necks of their enemies.


The people of the Land of Thrown Fish prided themselves on eating some of the deadliest fish to ever swim the seas of Battal, and their army's main weapon was the very killing implement used on their deadly fishes. Their civilization's food sources, weapons, and nomenclature were criticized by some on several grounds:


  • The Harmless Pillowminnow was the tastiest fish throughout the land, bred by the millions, and wasn't a relentless killing machine.
  • The average throne fish was primarily composed of scale, bile bladders, and residual hate, and tasted something like a greasy shingle filled with spoiled milk.
  • The dart fish were mostly tendon, muscle dense enough to pull wagons, and spike-covered "bio bolts".
  • Weapons designed to deal shallow injuries on the side of the neck aren't the most efficient weapons when one's enemies whale on one with an axe, sword, or screaming ball of hellfire.
  • That "Thrown Fish" and "Throne Fish" sounded way too much alike and led to deadly mix-ups.
  • The most deadly citizens of the kingdom spent very little time actually killing, preferring instead to debate the "ontological proof of evil" and the "fecundity of the caress."


The very northern most area of The Land of Thrown Fish eventually became known as the Arcane Northern Realms, but all the unique fish related culture died with the kingdom.



From its founding in year 3 until its ultimate destruction in year 999, the Land was ruled by a line of brutal warlord kings, of which there were ten in total. In the uncertain land where color and shape was rarely what it seemed and the weather changed less frequently than the pantheon, the warlord kings strong stabalizing influences were what kept the society cohesive through its existance. Each warlord ruled from his own stronghold, so although a formal capital city did exist, it was never actually the seat of power for the kingdom. As a result, no clear historical record of its exact location exists.


The first warlord was trained ichtheologist Ogema Blood-On-His-Boots, who fell into warlording quite by accident when he found he had a knack for it.


The Warlord Kings

  • Ogema Blood-On-His-Boots
  • Inego Sword-So-Sharp
  • Tjelok Fell-On-A-Pike (his reign was short)
  • Caalrige Slice-of-Cold-Justice
  • Ela Just-A-Girl
  • Akzann Snow-Under-His-Feet
  • Yokkle Let-Them-Sleep
  • Tometog Escaped-the-Great-Fire
  • Calt Deals-Deadly-Dartfish
  • Sud Cape-On-Backwards


Children in Ezermethalon who need to learn the names of the warlord kings in school have this rhyme they use to remember the first initials of each of the kings: "Out Into The Cool Evening A Yellow Troll Casually Strolled."


Strangely, in the Battle of Near Competence the forces of The Land of Thrown Fish were lead by Throbald the Somewhat Addled, who was never one of the Warlord Kings. Some readers point out that this is at the very least highly unlikely, where as others seem to hold that this is exactly the point.




The Land of Thrown Fish is more famous for its fish than its land, but its land is peculiar as well, in that it changes color from black-and-white-squares to a brightly glowing pink that oddly displays the markings of a large map upon it. It is ironic that the land displays map markings because the geography constantly shifts subtly and without discernible pattern. Coupled with its unique variations on the fish, the Land of Thrown Fish is a locale whose features are half-shouted/crooned to Morlond's Field residents in attempts to scare them into being good little children. It often works. If it doesn't, a field trip to the borders of the Land of the Thrown Fish sets them up but good.


Adding to the general confusion, twenty miles Southwest of the capital city (or what documentarians believe to be the general area where the city is located), a series of clouds sits on the ground, vociferously refusing to fly. It should be noted that the clouds eventualy left after the throne and dart fish died out, thus leading many historians to believe the clouds were protesting the existence of the fish.


A Possible Origin

It has been put forth that such an unusual land could not have naturally come about and that the land was the magical realization of a fever induced dream.


Originally posited by the Smug Ape upon arriving at the aftermath of Dogus Brankorking's first Poison Foe Mispelling, this clammy, piscean environ was later made a reality by the Wasted Elemenstor's fevered dreams. Those same fevered dreams were brought on by a latter uncasting of the spell which backfired upon Brankorking, an event which Tycho Brahe revealed he cleverly adapted from a critical fumble rolled during the gaming session upon which that particular chapter was based.




While Dogus Brankorking is listed as having been 90 at the time of his death in 23,344, The Land of Thrown Fish is listed as one of the twelve realms, which according to The Magic Sword Kings Period, existed between 0 - 9,473. Was the miscast spell-induced dream so powerful as to create a realm some 23,000 years in the past? Or did Dogus travel to the future?


It has been posited by the Finnish Elemenstor Society that TLoTF is itself a rift in the space-time of Battal, but personally, I think it's the inconsistency one expects from the ramblings of a depraved methadone-induced fit. -ewige


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